The Nerve

Today is one of those days where I’m sure the world spins because I’m running and getting absolutely nowhere. Like a hamster in its wheel. I’m overstimulated and underwhelmed.

My morning commute, which was no more challenging than most, seemed more bottle-necked. But was it? I wasn’t stuck in the traffic that was stalled because someone decided to head the wrong way on Highway 101, which I had just exited from only minutes before. Tasks that I worked on in my daily routine seemed more complicated and time-consuming, even though it’s a new job and my pace ha quickly picked up, in my learning curve. And even the sing-songy conversation that my kids had in the car was a micro trigger.

So what makes a day like today feel unbearable? How do we become so irritable to the point that things that are so innocent and uncontrollable push is to the breaking point?

In a world that has set us up for instant gratification, right down to our fingertip app selections, we have dozens of personal conversations with ourselves each day about how things “should” go. And if we are forced into situations that deviate from such precious plans, we can convince ourselves that life is just not fair. Especially for us.

Have you ever been stuck in that self-talk bubble? Or just stuck in your own head?

The line at grocery check out is just taking too long. The conversation between the passengers in the seat in behind you on the bus is just stupid so thank God they can’t seen how far your eyes have rolled into the back of your head. If “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons plays on the radio. One. More. Time. (Please don’t tell my four year old I said that.)

I know I’ve thought of a BILLION ways I would do, think, say, and act in a least a MILLION of these scenarios on what always feels like the most grating day ever. And I know perfectly well that traffic didn’t back up just because of me. My partner, sibling, child, parent, friend (fill in the blank according to the situation) had no idea that when they reneged on a promise that they crossed a line because they didn’t know the line was even there.

When I walked in the door tonight, my passive-aggressive mouth said, “The world hates me today and I need some time alone!” And I ran upstairs to put some clothes away from the dryer. Minutes later I heard my daughter crying and some yelling. I came downstairs to my daughter sitting on the steps and her father sitting quietly on the couch. I asked why the argument was about. The response was that she wanted to sit with me while I worked on my computer and her dad said no because mom needs to be alone. He wasn’t privileged to hear the conversation in the car explaining that she could do just that, though mom really needed to work and she had to sit quietly. But the unleashed anger of the day spilled out into the room before I had even taken my shoes off and I set the tone. The spigot was turned on and gushed a whole lot of unneeded stress.

Do you think we have just one giant nerve that can take so much until it feels the weight of the world? Or do we have a bunch of frazzled, little nerves that seem to get webbed together? Either way,  there certainly has to be alternative solutions for us to “pause for the cause” before the nerve or nerves explode.

Live the golden rule. Turn your self-talk into constructive and objective conversation. Laugh. A lot. Because the bottom line is, it is one fleeting moment in a day that sits in the middle of a week of a month of a year. The moment, conversation, congested freeway, annoying work software, and overplayed Top 40’s song, is not worth making a colossal tantrum. Surely the situation will change. And we will never regret the breathe we took for the pause. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Oh, and chocolate usually helps!