Head Space

I’ve been neglectful. Not present. Blocked. I’ve blamed it on being sick and being busy. Parenting. Adulting. But the truth is, there really never will be a “perfect” time to truly dedicate to a hobby, or well-intended projects until I’m old and gray. Or is that what I’ve convinced myself?

Sometimes I think of all the opportunities I had to throw myself into projects or adventures in high school or college. The lack of fear or worry. I had time on my side. The marriage. Jobs. Medical issues. A baby. Financial troubles. Divorce. More financial troubles. A relationship. Another baby. During this time, I accumulated lots of suitable projects to record memories, put thought and care into a gift for a loved one, Find that one “thing” I’d become really good at. Something to help me take my mind off the worries and back into a place where my intentions would show everyone that I had their best interest or happiness in mind. That I had my own best interest in mind.

The grocery store checkout lane always had magazine convers with amazing recipes, cute family projects, a “how-to” of the month that would make life easier, more manageable. So I’d arm myself with supplies, ingredients, yarn, or whatever was needed for the craft du jour.

I’d pick up and put down whatever was in front of me, promising myself, “Its first on the list for tomorrow!” I can hear the words echo in my head now  just as I’d say it out loud then.

I have scrapbooks with a single completed page, a half crocheted scarf, and a rock-tumbling kit. I have cookie cutters for every occasion, just in case I need to whip up the perfect treat. Journals? I bet there are a half dozen books where a few dates are filled in with happenings for the day and the book never saw a pen again.

So what does this have to do with anything?

If you’ve seen any of the latest binge-worthy show on Netflix, “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” you will understand how this show feverishly sent me on my latest mission. If you know me well, however, you also know that I love to clean. I have always leaned to the OCD side of organization. Even in middle school, I was the friend that everyone asked over because they knew I’d happily clean their room for them. Yes, my twisted, little head would almost pop off at the sight of mess and disorganization. So the thought of doing another purge seemed like a not so huge stretch for me.

I jumped right in to the task with my closet. And if you’ve seen the show, Marie has her clients empty the entire contents of their closets, drawers, you name it, onto their bed or the middle of the floor and then asks them to touch each item. If it gives them a “spark of joy” then they can keep it. If there’s no joy, they thank the item and let it go.

I went through my closet, which was quite organized to begin with and thought, this will take a half hour at most. I grabbed the first shirt. No joy. Then another. No joy. Some pants. Nope. A sweater. I got nothing.Nada. It seemed I was going through my wardrobe like rapid fire and other than a few token vests or dress blazers and some cozy jeans, I wasn’t finding the joy I thought I would. It wasn’t long before I had cleared an entire rod of clothes from every going back into my closet.

This frenzy continued as I went through my son and daughter’s clothes as well. How could this be? It wasn’t like we were starving for space. Neither of them have ever experienced running out of things to wear. So why was this purge so different?

As the “go” pile grew, so did my peace. I felt calm. My anxiety was MIA.

Despite the hill of clothes that I created and would soon be parting with, I knew I could forge on.

And as silly as it may seem, I wasn’t frustrated over how many other projects I had started and needed to get back to or, even more so, how much I was letting go of.

I cleared my closet and finally found my “head space”. I could think. And I’ve never had more energy or goals that in this very moment. The cobwebs were cleared.

I know there are many more rooms, closets, drawers and hiding spots to go through. But my new found strength and excitement may just lead me back to my original projects. And I will be able to complete them this time.

We all have room for improvements. We just need head space.