Honor Thyself

A few weeks ago I did a thing. For myself. By myself. For TWO hours. Sounds scandalous, doesn't it?

I've been working on this self love thing. I've never had a problem telling people to find a short pier, or helping others find themselves, but it's a whole different story when you're looking in a mirror instead of through a window.

Loving myself is good. I embrace my crazy, my curvaceousness, my passion, and I am finding my peace. But, I don't do much for me. I pour all my goodness in to other people and I forget. About me. So I adventured the other day and got me some eyelash extensions.

They are beeee-you-tee-ful! Except they drive my eyelashes nuts. My little mama looks hot experience is also turning in self-constraint training, but I'm dealing. And, my eyelashes look fucking amazing doing it.

Here's why this is important: despite the guilt, I saved my shells, scheduled the appointment, and went. For two hours, I could not do anything about what work wanted or what the people needed. No one bounded in to the room, asking me for something. I just, dare I say it or they will want to come with next time, RELAXED and enjoyed this little thing for me.

I'm going to have to do this again in a few weeks, lest I look like a half eye-lashed fool, which means I'm also going to have to be regularly intentional about self honor. I had to give up a few things to make it work in the mama budget, but this is good for me. I need some time to myself. I need to honor the work I've been doing to love and be loved. I don't want to, necessarily, because it's time consuming and raw, but this soul needed to sparkle a bit - just for me.

It's ok to take that time, to spend a little energy, some shells, honoring you. Find that sparkle that'll celebrate your self work all by yourself...and you'll want more.

Honor thyself.

Lub day Lub

So here we are at love day. I'm not a fan, I'm not opposed. How's that for a stance on our fabulous hallmark holiday?

This day feels different this year. I've been trying to put my finger on it, exactly. I think in the last year I've learned to love myself and give myself some grace. What's transpired is this sense of freedom, of permission, to be happy with myself in my own skin, to celebrate my quirky, to embrace the weirdness of the people around me and to just love without judgement. Starting with myself.

Maybe that's the difference?

Maybe Valentine's Day for us adults is kind of like Christmas for the Grinch...it's about first, your relationship with yourself and second, the good you choose to leave in the lives of others.

It's pretty hard to give your whole self or to bring your best self to any situation, when you're stuck. I'm in to simplicity, wholeness, and connecting myself with the world around me. Still, it's tough to be bold in a world that's looking for me to be silently brilliant.

So, I'm working on letting go of perfection and the person other people think I ought to be to embrace who I am - wonderfully and fearfully made, bold, brilliant, brave. Yeah, I'm working on wonderful and fearless, so we'll just start with Psalm 139:14 and go from there.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this day of lub and keep on finding ways to love me, so I can share me with you. xoxo

Bucket Fillers

During this month of love, I've found myself thinking a lot about bucket fillers.

Nope, I'm not referring to the ice melt that's filling my bucket out back, which as it turns out, doesn't really work on the ice skating rink driveway when it's -30 degrees outside. You only learn that one the hard way. 

This bucket filler thinking started with what to buy my loves to show them love for my favorite Hallmark holiday. When my child told me she wants an Apple watch for Valentine's day, we had a quick re-alignment, #youneedajobforthat conversation. I ditched the buy more stuff idea. We have way too much stuff.

I'm focused on free fun, free love, freedom - what makes me whole. The joy factor things that fill up my heart and refuel me, so much so that it bubbles over and I share it with someone else who needs joy and love. Bucket fillers.

As we work toward this more simple life thing, bucket fillers are really important. So is sleep, which gives our brains the ability to repair and reset from the stress, trauma, drama that we experience during our day "jobs". When the sleep bucket is empty, not even chocolate works to fill the old heart song bucket. 

So, I've been searching for the things that fill my bucket and during this journey, I discovered that letting go of having the perdy-est bucket, the biggest, bestest bucket fills 'er right up. Bucket fillers are free. It's super simple.

Here's why: I gave myself grace to enjoy life, 

laughed a little more, sang louder but worse, 

and aligned myself with people who don't spend their time judging me. 

WHOA. 

Have I mentioned that a lot of self discovery happens after forty and that simple is almost impossible without it?

The deal is this: in my younger, pre-parenthood life I was wild, free, funny, zany, and could have cared less what people thought of me. Then parenthood happened. For a long, sleep deprived time after that, I worked toward perfection. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I did what was expected of me, kept my house spotless, worked crazy hours, super-parented (this one turned out well in the end, actually), played perfect, and looked mostly like I had the part down. EXCEPT I WAS MISERABLE. 

Enter nearly every life change possible and ten years later I'm starting to wonder why no one told me that my thirties were going to suck, to be sure to stay true to myself. Aholes. So here I am, self, telling you - just do you. This getting back to who you really are, when you've been fakin' it till you make it so long is really hard work. People don't always like you. Most people you liked, you don't like either, so it works out!

The plank: if you're tired, miserable and hate your life, you can fix it. Breathe. Align. Ditch the perfection, bigger, better, bigger, better crap and enjoy where you are. Get to know yourself again. This is going to take a while, so get comfy, too. You will spend a good chunk of time figuring who just 'you' is again, in order to uncover what it is that fills your bucket.

Don't be afraid to be alone. Alone does not always mean lonely.

Do the things that make you belly laugh, bring you joy, and allow you to connect. Give yourself a break. Love on yo'self. You're worth it.

XO

Doing insane things to stay sane.

It's been an interesting week. The temperatures have been at an all time low.  The kids have been home from school all week because of dangerous weather conditions. Emotions have been all over the board.  And lets face it, there just no more good snacks to eat in the pantry to cope.

I've been thinking a lot, since the beginning of the year, about all the things I do to move through this life. It hasn't always been very graceful. I've made healthy choices that feel awful. I've made awful choices that felt healthy.  I've had moments where I have done just enough to get by. And sometimes I do crazy things to just to do the best with the time I have.  Because we all wish we had a few more hours in the day.  Am I right?

I started listing off the insane things I do for sanity:

1.  I set my car clock ahead a few minutes to make myself think I am running behind, just so I can get to where I am going on time.

2.  I vacuum my front porch so I don't have to sweep.

3.  I sneak toys out of the house while the kids are asleep, so I don't have to have the conversation with them of why it should stay when they haven't played with it in over a year.

4.  I go to bed at the same time as my kids so that I can wake up at ridiculous hours in the morning just to have "me time".

5.  I insist that the kids eat a balanced meal while I will inhale a cookie to spare clean up for one more person.

6.  I sometimes make decisions in my relationship, as if I were single, like what stays and goes in the house, to make life a bit more simple.

I am sure we all have quirks and weird routines.  The things that anyone else would look at and question how we ever decided that was a good idea because there is a better way of thinking or reasoning. And yet, there are those that would say we are genius.

What are the things that you do to stay sane? The oddball ideas that get you through life.  What are the sillies you embrace that keep you happy?

Today, embrace the insanity that keeps you sane!

The Wandering Mind

Isn't is interesting how often our mind wanders every day? Be it during a work meeting, at the dinner table, even in traffic. We are constantly disengaging from our main focus and we get lost in thought.

There are numerous ways that society recommends rearranging the landscape of our mind, to clear the clutter. There is deep breathing, meditation, yoga, list-making.  All great ways to reorganize our thought process and shift back to the focused attention.

But is it really so bad to hike the mind trails? To wander? Daydream?

It would be optimistic to say that the majority of the time that our minds wander, that we were daydreaming about wanted vacations, retirement adventures and hobbies, when we win the lottery. But the truth is, we are usually distracted with grocery lists, our cab driving duties to our offspring's extracurriculars, bills, arguments.

Is it a fair guess to say that half of the time that we should be on task we find our mind roaming down already beaten paths?  I know that there are multiple times a day I worry about the same thing over and over: lost Amazon shipments, checks that haven't posted, forgotten items on the grocery list.  Things to lose sleepover? Abso-friggin'-lutely not. Do I? But of course.

So if these trivial, mind-cluttering, nonsensical thoughts snowball or multiple decide to have a "happy hour" and gather in our brain for a good time, I know that my anxiety rises, headaches occur, sleep becomes all but a reality.

So perhaps there is something to be said for mini-mindful breaks. Deep breaths for not only our souls but also for a productive work day.

I know I have been absent from blogging lately. The mind clutter took over. And my commitment to this blog was an attendee to that happy hour in my head.

This blog has been a project that has been a long time coming.  Started and stopped. Thought about and delayed.

This has been a theme of mine.  Not with just the blog but with a lot of ambitions and goals.

I owe my best friend for holding me accountable to my goals and the straight-talk she has with me. She keeps me on my journey and helps me push through the times that the head-clutter and mind wandering get me off track. 

So I take a breath, re-group and do the things that help me rid the negative mindset. Today I reset.

Here is to a happy day to you all!  And a hopeful cheer to some positive mind wandering!

Sharing your brilliance

A few years ago my darling daughter asked me, mom, are you a feminist?

I thought for a minute, then asked her to define feminist. She didn't know exactly what it was, but thought maybe she was feminist because she is a female, she sticks up for what girls can do, and her friend is a feminist too. We talked about how every human has equal worth and that as a human, we have some privilege, which gives us a chance to ensure equity for all living things by supporting each other, as humans. Her ten year old mind thought that was a doable answer and off she went.

Years later, here I sit still thinking on this one.

As I experience it, yes, maybe I am feminist. Or, maybe I'm humanist. Maybe I just want a collaborative thing where we all lead sometimes and follow other times, bringing our best when we can and sharing it when/where it makes sense. Yep, I'm going to go with that last one. 

In my professional role, I'm a female leader. This is a strange experience, as most leaders in my profession are male, while the worker bees, if you will, are female. One would think more female leaders would rise to the occasion, but it's not a very friendly place. Still, I put my foot down when I need to, I support other female and male leaders, and I too, come up with brilliant ideas now and again. Sometimes that's followed by - for a woman. It's then what I wonder, am I a feminist. Should I be louder? Do I have to lead like others do? 

My recent experiences also have me wondering, what do I stand for? Who do I stand for? How do I want to be remembered? And, does that align with what I'm bringing to the table? 

For the past eight years I've been working on a thing, mostly in my mind, with another rockstar woman leader. Recently, we've been sharing this thing, because the time to do better presented itself. SUPER excitement as the thing starts to pick up steam and then...it falls in to the lap of a few men who took the thing and called it their own. Grrr. Really? 

Now, there are times when I am not the person who needs to carry a thing to fruition, or when the collaborative is the only way. I don't require accolades for my things, but I do want just things to happen for people. All. The. Time. 

What's got me in such a tizzy is this frustration with leaders, and just people in general, tearing each other down or standing on top of each other, to be better - look better - seem smarter - achieve that final rung on the ladder of success. When really, we ought to be supporting each other, sharing ideas, working together, because so much more can come from ten people doing good than from one person. And women have great ideas. Don't be afraid to speak up. For me, right now, it's don't be afraid to correct the narrative.

The world needs us.

Speak your peace. We got you. 

Choosing happy

Many days life gets to be a little too much - too much running, too much to do, too much crabby, too (many) much expectations...and we get tired.

Actually, when I'm overwhelmed, overloaded, and tired, I get cranky which usually leads to my less than fabulous mama self coming out. Behold, she is not perfect! Yesterday was a doozie.

When I'm in this mood, I do best alone and it's probably not wise to engage with me. I just need to wallow in it, so I can make peace with it and move on. All this happens fairly quickly if I'm not poked. 🐻 Like a mama bear.

What does this have to do with choosing happy? 

Well, it's easy to get stuck in that place, but I choose not to. Sometimes I just have to chance my course and try something new. Other times I have to lean in. Either way, it's a choice to be happy.

I realize this is much harder to do when you're working through what's holding you back in your head. It's some good work.

I also have to work at choosing to move on a be happy. Let the yuck go. Shift the proverbial monkey back to the ahole that left it on your back and seek that freedom to be happy for yourself.

Staying in this balance is hard. I'm not here every day. I don't feel back about taking poor me, super cranky, I've had enough time to recoop my energy and realign. Lawd knows a good realignment is golden! Really, I recharge in peace, so when I carve that time out to take care of myself and let the crap go, I get to choose happy.

2019 has me wondering about meditation. Many people love meditation for happy. It's always been the gateway to a good nap for me!

Maybe meditation will work for you? Or, a bubble bath (yeah right, go to the gym and sit in the hottub, you're more likely to be anonymous and uninterrupted sixty seven times there...if you have kids, the germ factor is about the same), exercise, a good book...whatever it is that allows you to slow time, spend some quiet time, and reboot will allow you to reach your happy.

Whatever you do, just remember it's ok to choose happy for yourself. In fact, you were made for it!

Bustin' the winter blues

Up here in the tundra, winter gets long. While I love me a good hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps, that doesn't work for everyone (especially not the littles!)

We use peppermint and cinnamon essential oils to give our hot cocoa a kick!

Alton Brown at the Food Network came up with a great hot cocoa mix that you can make in a big batch ahead of time (and add a few personal touches to). We mix ours with hot water. I like to toss the dry ingredients in to the food processor, to bring all of the flavors together and it makes for a smoother, more consistent mixture.

• 2 cups powered sugar (weeeee!) 
• 1 cup cocoa, Dutch-process 
• 2 1/2 cups powdered milk 
• 1 t salt
• 2 t cornstarch
• 1 pinch cayenne pepper 
• 2 t vanilla, pure powder (optional) 
• 1 cup dehydrated mini marshmallows (optional)
• 1 c white chocolate chunks or chips (optional)
• 8-12 oz hot water in a cup 
• 1 drop of essential oil (our faves - peppermint, cinnamon, wild orange)  

Enjoy!

Men Should Have Stayed On Mars

Men. They speak a different language. They thrive in a different atmosphere from us. They drain us of energy. And I’m quite sure they experiment with us by testing our nerves. Yes. men are from mars. Complete aliens. They should’ve stayed there.

Saturday. A day that most look forward to for fun time, down time, travel time or even opportune time. For me, it was the latter. Considering I have gained great momentum in my tidying and purging from our home, I was up early and thriving. Two more consignment shop loads out the door, three Goodwill loads and 30 bags of garbage. All from 2 bedrooms and a walk-in closet/bathroom. Our daughter helped sort clothes while multitasking and catching up on her PJ Masks episodes. That’s my girl.

I took a break to run to the store for groceries and brought the littlest with. My guy was dying from another round of man flu. I think this is his fourth round of it just this year unless it just never ends. By the time I got back, unloaded the little and the groceries from the car and put things away, I realize most of my ingredients are missing for lunch. Are you kidding me? It was 11:00 a.m. and he devoured a giant snack after I offered him breakfast that he declined. So now he’s not hungry for lunch. Because he ate nachos made with three cups of cheese. Three cups! There was one cup left over for a recipe which I needed two. Also gone were the veggies for lunch. Another part of his snack.

He sat on the couch some more and then tried to nap in the same location. Which was in the middle of my next project area. I planned on taking down the Christmas Tree. Instead of napping in a bed somewhere away from my construction zone, he chose to fuss about till he seemed almost annoyed that I was making use of my day.

He continues the rest of his day watching reruns of M.A.S.H. (I’m still struggling to get the theme song out of my head.) while I back up computer files and complete dinner with ingredients from a second run to the store. Again I was accompanied by my little assistant shopper.

Exhausted but feeling accomplished, I tell my guy that I’m rewarding myself with a soak in our tub. He has the audacity to ask if I can take our daughter up with me so she can bathe with me too. Are you f***ing crazy?!! I scream silently in my head while forcing a calm, “I think this is just going to be some ‘me’ time.” By now I’m sure he can feel the darts I have hurled his way with my eyes. He has to! But his reply is, “Well hurry up with your bath.” I take this as a dare. I’m sure you can guess how quickly I soaked and rushed back to our child. Hurry. My. Ass.

I exist with this man. We are committed to each other. We attempt communication. We set goals. Yet instead of being united, I feel stranded. As if I’m on Mars. No air. No water. No nourishment. Drained.

Saturday was not a unique, stand alone day. Many days in our house are like this. The moments where I feel everyone else stands still while I run circles around them. Okay, I can play the sick card for him. He felt under the weather. But I know this is more played up than down. I know some of his bitch moves.

So in the 21st century, why is it we find ourselves falling trap to theses very gender specific roles where mom come in with her superhero cape and saves the day with laundry under one arm and meal prepping with the other? Even when we clearly reach out to our partner, what we say isn’t what is heard. So how do we speak Martian without creating insecurities for either party? How can two people with similar goals be so fundamentally different?

I know that in my lifetime I will never have the answer. Unless the appropriate answer is because we are the way we are. And I go about what makes me happy and so does he and hopefully somewhere along the line we find ourselves happy at the same time in the vicinity of one another.

We may be imperfect humans but we are can strive to be perfect aliens.

Second Chances

I'm working on something today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. Next week.

I started writing this post about forgiveness, but, to be honest, I'm still working on that. It changed to trust, and then when I really got down to it, what I want to talk about is trusting yourself. Grace. Second chances.

I've always been a person to trust, all in, from the beginning. I struggle with people who make you earn their trust and those who hold the world against you unto eternity. Life's too short for that. And, my memory is shit.

So I trust. I forgive, maybe too readily, because I believe that people do their very best with what they have in that moment. There may be some, but few people wake up in the morning thinking TODAY. TODAY I am going to be a piece.

No one is perfect.

There are times when I am guarded, or have to maintain a boundary. I think some folks define this boundary maintenance as only being able to trust because you earned it or not being able to trust because you earned that treatment. I see broken promises as a boundary violation and I don't much like to amend my boundaries, but I'm happy to show you trust, so you open your heart to it as well.

I work with kids and I have kids, so trust is a thing that we're working on. Every. Day. (Sometimes, multiple times). Some of you might be working on this also. Or, you have broken relationships, trauma in your own past, people who struggle with addiction, someone who has jumped all over your boundaries like a bouncy house - you know, those experiences that impact us in ways that make us want to build a fortress and sit in the middle of it, unscathed, because that's a safe place for our hearts. It's a lonely place down there, in that fortress, when you don't trust anyone. And, the fortress is your choice, but it's not your sentence.

Setting boundaries is a healthy way to both trust and teach. People won't know how to treat you, if you don't tell them. And, when you let someone in, you get an opportunity to teach - how to trust, how to love, how to be loved. Yet you have to wholeheartedly give that second chance, no strings attached, to make trust possible.

So, I challenge you. If there is someone in your life who you don't trust, give them a chance. Give yourself a chance, and a second chance, or maybe even a third one to get it right. Give your heart a chance to heal and that opportunity, that relationship, a chance to blossom. Go all in. You might be surprised how much trust you do have, when you stop hiding behind it.

Slackity-slack

I'm not much of a rule follower, but I do try to keep up with my commitments. This blogging thing is tough, y'all. I'm working on balance, peace, simplicity, and bah! I have to find something great to talk about to other humans.

Here's where it's at: I'm a working mom, as many of us are. If there is anyone out there who does not think moms who stay at home don't work, you have lost your ever-loving mind. I go to work, because I could not handle what stay at home moms do. I think they are Super Women and I admire them oodles for it. This balance thing is even more difficult for mamas who are running the show all day every day, at home.

As a professional and a mom I feel the pressure to do it all - be successful, make the big bucks, volunteer for all the things, organize stuff, have a lovely whatever you name it, feed the people real food, look decent, etc,. etc., etc. What gets lost in all of this is me. We had a few health scares at our house this year that realigned my thinking. This last week, a mom I know who is my age, died. Another mom my age lost a child. A student I know experienced heart failure - for ten minutes. I cannot imagine the impact of that moment in time, when his energy was absorbed by the world for ten minutes. When death is near to you, it has a significant realigning affect.

I've been thinking a lot about balance and joy. I love the work I do, the difference it makes, and my why. Yet I'm stressed, disconnected, and empty. I need more of my people. I find myself wondering am I doing the right things? Am I sharing my talents in the way it was intended? Could I do different? Could I do more? Do I just need to totally change direction? Can I just quit everything that doesn't work and seek balance... Yeah maybe, but then there's having to make peace with letting all the people down. How does one realign and help others feel good about it?

That's where 2019 has me - with peace that I don't have to do all the things and turmoil in my head about what to do next. Now I have to figure out what it is that makes my heart smile and what it is that has to go. And you know what? I think I'm ok with that.

The Value of Feeling Valued

Today we had a celebratory lunch at my work. I’ve been in my new position at my new employment for two months. There are so many new names, departments, routines. But there is something that is completely different than any other place I’ve worked. Nobody complains.

I work for a company that makes food for people on the go. Convenience without compromise. And I can be honest when I say that from the prep room to the sandwich apprentice to business development, everyone greets everyone by name and with a smile. We hold doors open for each other and have potluck. We cater in lunch once a month to eat family style. We compliment each other’s work and celebrate daily victories with a dance. And we pray together. Yes, we pray.

It’s like they have this giant secret. A treasure. Something that a large part of the working world knows little about. If you make work fun, smile,  have straight talk with lots of positive feedback, and treat your coworkers with respect like they are your own family, then business just might be pretty awesome. Our leadership has such amazing vision and ambition that it’s hard not to want to stay on for the whole ride. Many of the employees have been there over 20 and some up to 40 years. That speaks volumes.

When you value your people, they will value your mission and give back tenfold.

I’m loving the opportunities that are heading my way and grateful to finally have some doors open.

EAS - We will win as one!

Hug your loves. Tight.

Life is precious. That’s all there is too it. And it’s unpredictable. We can have days where we just don’t know what to do with ourselves and other days we could just live over and over and over because the day was amazing. We just never know what life is going to throw at us.

Today I learned that two classmates from my high school years experienced the unimaginable. One passed away at the age of 41. She was married to her soul mate who also was a classmate. She lived her life loving hard and believing in all things good. She didn’t care about other people’s opinions, only her own. She worked hard and played hard. The other classmate lost her first born son. He was 19 and tragically died in an accident. No mother should have to experience losing a child. I can’t imagine the pain these families are feeling. I am experiencing my own grief for these women. One gone and another broken.

Don’t let the sun set on another day without reaching out to those who you love and care about. Tell them you love them. Out loud. Let them know how much and why. And show them. Do something for them. Gift them a gift from the heart. Make memories.

The life we have here is what we make of it. Make it count. Let go of grudges, start the hobby and hold your loved ones extra long.

Live.

Love.

*My thoughts and prayers are with the the family of Marni and also with Sara and family for the loss of her son.

Finger Waggers

Sometimes blog posts are just handed to me. Other times, I have to dig deep to find something intelligent to say. Today's post was brought to you by...the finger wagger.

You know the finger wagger.

She just has to tell you the way it's going to be,
and you're going to listen!

She's probably wrong.

That matters not.



I have a thing about listening. I'm not super great at it and I don't generally listen to mean people. It's like life challenges me with having "why" be my question and then places finger waggers before me to see just how reserved I can be.

Let's talk about "why" being my question.

We all have a question. Some of us like to know why, not because we are going to do anything with the why. Rather, it gives depth and understanding to the situation. I can explain, when I know why. Most people hate why, by the way, particularly those who either lack confidence or haven't done their research. I've started phrasing why another way for those who can't handle why: "Tell me more..." "What led you to make that decision..." "Is this a flexible thing?" They still hate why.

There are other questions, like how - how it works, how it impacts this or that, how it'll help. And, where. You get it. But why, that's almost a naughty word. As though I am asking you to dig in to the depths of your soul and paint me a mural of your utmost inner being. Nope. I'm just hoping to understand.

Maybe I need a sign. Not like a "Here's your sign" (although that is tempting). More like a "Warning: I may ask why, so that I understand, not because I am challenging you." Or, "Warning: don't interact with me if you can't back up your statements, because you'll get frustrated when I want to know more." Or, "Warning: We're all professionals here. Dick's a professional. Don't be a dumbass. Be like Dick. Be a professional."

The latter might be a little suggestive.

Maybe...maybe. Maybe, we all ought to assume positive intent and give each other a chance. Maybe, there are people seeking to understand this world and help other people. I know for sure there are people out there who know more than me. I like to surround myself with those people, because I am positive that I have far more to learn in my life. Except, which finger to wave. That one, I know pretty well.

The Nerve

Today is one of those days where I’m sure the world spins because I’m running and getting absolutely nowhere. Like a hamster in its wheel. I’m overstimulated and underwhelmed.

My morning commute, which was no more challenging than most, seemed more bottle-necked. But was it? I wasn’t stuck in the traffic that was stalled because someone decided to head the wrong way on Highway 101, which I had just exited from only minutes before. Tasks that I worked on in my daily routine seemed more complicated and time-consuming, even though it’s a new job and my pace ha quickly picked up, in my learning curve. And even the sing-songy conversation that my kids had in the car was a micro trigger.

So what makes a day like today feel unbearable? How do we become so irritable to the point that things that are so innocent and uncontrollable push is to the breaking point?

In a world that has set us up for instant gratification, right down to our fingertip app selections, we have dozens of personal conversations with ourselves each day about how things “should” go. And if we are forced into situations that deviate from such precious plans, we can convince ourselves that life is just not fair. Especially for us.

Have you ever been stuck in that self-talk bubble? Or just stuck in your own head?

The line at grocery check out is just taking too long. The conversation between the passengers in the seat in behind you on the bus is just stupid so thank God they can’t seen how far your eyes have rolled into the back of your head. If “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons plays on the radio. One. More. Time. (Please don’t tell my four year old I said that.)

I know I’ve thought of a BILLION ways I would do, think, say, and act in a least a MILLION of these scenarios on what always feels like the most grating day ever. And I know perfectly well that traffic didn’t back up just because of me. My partner, sibling, child, parent, friend (fill in the blank according to the situation) had no idea that when they reneged on a promise that they crossed a line because they didn’t know the line was even there.

When I walked in the door tonight, my passive-aggressive mouth said, “The world hates me today and I need some time alone!” And I ran upstairs to put some clothes away from the dryer. Minutes later I heard my daughter crying and some yelling. I came downstairs to my daughter sitting on the steps and her father sitting quietly on the couch. I asked why the argument was about. The response was that she wanted to sit with me while I worked on my computer and her dad said no because mom needs to be alone. He wasn’t privileged to hear the conversation in the car explaining that she could do just that, though mom really needed to work and she had to sit quietly. But the unleashed anger of the day spilled out into the room before I had even taken my shoes off and I set the tone. The spigot was turned on and gushed a whole lot of unneeded stress.

Do you think we have just one giant nerve that can take so much until it feels the weight of the world? Or do we have a bunch of frazzled, little nerves that seem to get webbed together? Either way,  there certainly has to be alternative solutions for us to “pause for the cause” before the nerve or nerves explode.

Live the golden rule. Turn your self-talk into constructive and objective conversation. Laugh. A lot. Because the bottom line is, it is one fleeting moment in a day that sits in the middle of a week of a month of a year. The moment, conversation, congested freeway, annoying work software, and overplayed Top 40’s song, is not worth making a colossal tantrum. Surely the situation will change. And we will never regret the breathe we took for the pause. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Oh, and chocolate usually helps!

Stumbling through the GF

What this post should be titled is stumbling through the goddamn forest. What I'm talking about here is gluten free.

Forty is a beautiful thing, y'all. It's when I stopped caring what other people thought and started caring about myself. Good thing, because about six months in I had this crazy idea to get in to shape. I started exercising, boxing, jogging sweating - all the things. It made a difference too! I met some cool new peeps and felt oh so good. Then, heart burn.

Being the reflective forty-something spaz that I am, after about a month of heart burn every day I started to think I was having symptoms of a heart attack, or the universe was trying to tell me to stop working out, or something!? I couldn't figure it out. I tried everything. I quit everything to try to figure out what my malfunction was.

Turns out gluten is the culprit. While this makes me wonder how many other fabulous drug companies are making fortunes off of people who haven't figured out that gluten is causing their malfunction, I had no idea one could develop an intolerance to gluten mid-life. I mean, I know I can't have lactose. Pregnancy changed the game on that one. My fighting power after lactose makes it abundantly clear that it isn't for me. Actually, it hurts my people more than it hurts me. (HA!) Gluten on the other hand stops me in my tracks.

In real life, con gluten, I'm a decent cook and baker. I can't hold a candle to Kat's cooking skillz, but I'm not skinny cook either. I enjoy baking (and eating baked goods - herein lies the problem). I can't cook or bake gluten free. I know I have to figure this out, because sleeping standing up just isn't an option, but still. I'm grieving gluten. Where's my personal chef when I need her?

I admit that I will eat the gluten for one thing - cookies. I care not about the heartburn or sleeping vertically, if it's for a cookie. We have mom to thank for that one! Damn cookies.

Given that it's my kryptonite, I figured I best start this GF thing with cookies. I've been looking for recipes that don't taste like cardboard or feel like sand in my mouth for a while.  I've tried a LOT of flours and recipes. Recently, I stumbled upon this incredible blogger who has made a living out of modifying recipes to be awesome. I ordered the flours, etc., because if I'm going to give this a go, I better do it right? (Ok, let's be real. I ordered all of the shit she recommended because at least I will LOOK like I know what I'm doing!)

Here's the verdict...

Chilling the dough matters.

Size matters. I made 1t size and 1T size. The 1T size makes for the perfect chewy chocolate chip cookie. Mom and kid approved! (Kid might even like these better. WHAT?!)

Awesome.

Head Space

I’ve been neglectful. Not present. Blocked. I’ve blamed it on being sick and being busy. Parenting. Adulting. But the truth is, there really never will be a “perfect” time to truly dedicate to a hobby, or well-intended projects until I’m old and gray. Or is that what I’ve convinced myself?

Sometimes I think of all the opportunities I had to throw myself into projects or adventures in high school or college. The lack of fear or worry. I had time on my side. The marriage. Jobs. Medical issues. A baby. Financial troubles. Divorce. More financial troubles. A relationship. Another baby. During this time, I accumulated lots of suitable projects to record memories, put thought and care into a gift for a loved one, Find that one “thing” I’d become really good at. Something to help me take my mind off the worries and back into a place where my intentions would show everyone that I had their best interest or happiness in mind. That I had my own best interest in mind.

The grocery store checkout lane always had magazine convers with amazing recipes, cute family projects, a “how-to” of the month that would make life easier, more manageable. So I’d arm myself with supplies, ingredients, yarn, or whatever was needed for the craft du jour.

I’d pick up and put down whatever was in front of me, promising myself, “Its first on the list for tomorrow!” I can hear the words echo in my head now  just as I’d say it out loud then.

I have scrapbooks with a single completed page, a half crocheted scarf, and a rock-tumbling kit. I have cookie cutters for every occasion, just in case I need to whip up the perfect treat. Journals? I bet there are a half dozen books where a few dates are filled in with happenings for the day and the book never saw a pen again.

So what does this have to do with anything?

If you’ve seen any of the latest binge-worthy show on Netflix, “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” you will understand how this show feverishly sent me on my latest mission. If you know me well, however, you also know that I love to clean. I have always leaned to the OCD side of organization. Even in middle school, I was the friend that everyone asked over because they knew I’d happily clean their room for them. Yes, my twisted, little head would almost pop off at the sight of mess and disorganization. So the thought of doing another purge seemed like a not so huge stretch for me.

I jumped right in to the task with my closet. And if you’ve seen the show, Marie has her clients empty the entire contents of their closets, drawers, you name it, onto their bed or the middle of the floor and then asks them to touch each item. If it gives them a “spark of joy” then they can keep it. If there’s no joy, they thank the item and let it go.

I went through my closet, which was quite organized to begin with and thought, this will take a half hour at most. I grabbed the first shirt. No joy. Then another. No joy. Some pants. Nope. A sweater. I got nothing.Nada. It seemed I was going through my wardrobe like rapid fire and other than a few token vests or dress blazers and some cozy jeans, I wasn’t finding the joy I thought I would. It wasn’t long before I had cleared an entire rod of clothes from every going back into my closet.

This frenzy continued as I went through my son and daughter’s clothes as well. How could this be? It wasn’t like we were starving for space. Neither of them have ever experienced running out of things to wear. So why was this purge so different?

As the “go” pile grew, so did my peace. I felt calm. My anxiety was MIA.

Despite the hill of clothes that I created and would soon be parting with, I knew I could forge on.

And as silly as it may seem, I wasn’t frustrated over how many other projects I had started and needed to get back to or, even more so, how much I was letting go of.

I cleared my closet and finally found my “head space”. I could think. And I’ve never had more energy or goals that in this very moment. The cobwebs were cleared.

I know there are many more rooms, closets, drawers and hiding spots to go through. But my new found strength and excitement may just lead me back to my original projects. And I will be able to complete them this time.

We all have room for improvements. We just need head space.

Going Au Naturel

Forty has been a wild ride. Now, I'm a thrill seeker, I love the wind going through my hair, high speeds, dropping from the sky, living on the edge...but seriously, no one told me that I was going to have to completely change my game. Good thing I like change!

I hit forty and thought, this is it! This is the year I'm going to get in to shape. (Cue laughing minions here). 

Just kidding. 

Forty is the year I embraced my amazing self and decided that you know what, I'm pretty damn awesome just the way I am. Ok, I could be a little nicer most of the time, but we're shooting for progress not perfection here in our forties. 

What I wasn't expecting was that my body would revolt. Creaky knees was the start of it. Clapping when I run up the stairs was next (I'll let you figure that one out). Then, I grew no less than 50 wirey spring loaded silver hairs, many in the part of my hair, which hang out, waving to anyone who is in their 30s or younger (because those people can SEE them). My skin decided it would no longer tolerate soaps, lotions, and other products that smell oh so good. (Buh-bye Bath & Body Works). Pimples. Yes, I didn't have them as a teen but I do as an adult. And my belly, well, that's the one that just isn't right. I love a good, thick, dark beer and my belly has decided that it does gluten no more. 

So what's a girl to do? 

I decided to take a look back and dig in to some more natural solutions that my body would tolerate. I'm still working on how to give up the gluten. Oy mamas, that's a tough one. It's EVERYWHERE. 

I started with my face. I'm going to share a few gems, and keep sharing, in case you are also looking for something different that'll work for you. I don't claim it will work for you, nor am I a health professional, so take what I share with a grain of salt and know that what works for you is absolutely perfect for you! 

I did a good amount of research in to what was causing my issues. I spent oodles of money and time at the dermatologist, trying to find a solution. Everything I was given had chemicals in it. Most of it made me face really dry and tight, but didn't soothe the redness or stop the breakouts.  Then, I read about tea tree oil. This is some stinky stuff. There are so very many brands out there that it took me a while to find something my skin could even tolerate. I tried tea tree oil from the local food coop and could handle using just a little at night. Note: Don't go slapping tea tree oil from the Walmart all over your face. That shit burns. Use some common sense if you're going to try this out.

Mr. Man is a patient man. When I say the stuff I used in the beginning stunk, he could smell it on the next floor. Putting the tea tree oil on my face helped, but it didn't solve all of my woes. I still had these wicked skin washes that were drying my skin out and not solving my problem. He may have been tolerant, but there was no convincing him to give it a try. (We're a pimply pair). 

I found Goat Milk Stuff by accident. I'm not kidding when I say that hands down, this soap changed my life. I do not use any other soap anywhere, this is it! I tell everyone I can about it, so here you go. I itch no more. Both the redness and my pimples are gone. This stuff may not be for you, but I've never go back. It makes me wish I had goats. Ok, maybe not. It makes me wish Kat had goats. 

More about the stink factor next time. I found a solution for that too! 

All of this is not to sell you on a soap or using stinky stuff on your face. If something isn't working in your life, go out there and find what does work for you. Keep looking until you find it, You will find it. You don't have to settle. You can own awesome. 

I don't want to share

If you're a caregiver, you'll get this one.

Ever tried to shower in silence?
Go to the bathroom alone?
Sleep through the night?
Eat your own dinner?

It used to drive me crazy, this togetherness. Truth be told, I do like my alone time. It's how I recharge. But I get it now. The people like me, the dogs like me, they always. Want. To. Be. Near. Me. Even at my worst. Awe. Isn't that cute?

I share my space, my food, my sleep, my bathroom, my body for nine months, and even my pillow. Now, back off the swedish fish. That's just crossing the line!

Radiating Kindness

Kindness...you know, that thing we're starting to see float around on social media like it's been missing for 100 years. That thing that used to be all over the news, but now we can't watch the news because it's all violance. That thing that makes our hearts go pitter-patter. The world needs more kindness. It encourages us to be better versions of ourselves when it happens to us and makes our heart much less grinchy when we share it.

But, let's be real. Like that time you lost your mind momentarily, because the dirty dishes were sitting on the counter for the ump-teenth time when the dishwasher was full...when you hollered at the sixth request to get the bedroom cleaned and the people were surprised that you were upset...when you have been up all night managing the puke bucket for someone else and keep going the next day managing not to behead anyone... You know parenthood, the best thing you've ever done.  Ok, well, it is, but good lawd, who knew it would be so HARD?!

Back to kindness.

This thing is a work in progress. It's not my normal go to self, this being kind every hour of every day. It's hard to be kind sometimes. It's hard to be kind most of the time, if I'm really walking the walk I'm talking here, because life and people are frustrating. And, life is beautiful when you focus on putting kindness out there rather than the kindness you're getting. There are some dang good people out there waiting to be kind back to you. YES WAY. There are. 

Here's the scoop: My chica has had a winter hat that she loves since last season. It's a pretty popular company among the teenieboppers. Being me, mom who must wash all things because - eww, I washed it. The label on the hat bled all over the hat and despite my using the secret miracle stain remover, scrubbing, washing, and hoping, it's stuck forever. On a hat that's sold out. So, I emailed the company to see if this flavor fave was coming back in to stock...and to ask them to help a mama out. You know what they said?

"We would like to make this right. Please keep the item you received and use the discount code below to reorder a new item."

WHAT?!

I didn't even ask for a new one! MAJOR KINDNESS WIN!

Now, I realize this is a first world problem kind of thing. But there's an important point here. This gave me a chance for a teachable moment with the chica and oh I love those! She's tickled pink that she gets a new hat, but that's not the best part. I'm trying to teach her about this advocacy thing and that if you don't ask, the answer is automatically no. But if you do ask and you're genuinely nice about it, sometimes the answer is yes! All hail the hat savior that backed me up on that life lesson.

So, I'm back on the kindness train. It's headed in the right direction. Be good to people, and when you f it up, because you will, own it. Be real and just keep working toward doing better. There's no perfection here, just baby steps. Be a kind human. The world might even save you with a great new teeniebopper hat when you do!

Date Night

This post is going to be rather short and not so involved, as I am finding myself in the early start of a migraine. Unfortunately, I suffer from these quite often. Before you say anything, I do proactively treat these monster headaches with Botox. And let me tell you how life changing Botox can be for aomeone who suffers from this debilitating diagnosis. However I recently started a new job and find myself in the midst of insurance purgatory. COBRA is darn expensive. So I wait it out.

I was able to go on our weekly date night with my love. And I cannot express enough how important this is to the life of our relationship. And it’s just as important for our children to see us do this and to keep strict schedule with it. If we miss a week, it becomes easy to miss two and you get the picture. It would be so easy to fill in this time with chores or mindless TV watching or just about anything else. But for a simple few hours or so a week, we turn off the phones, are without offspring distraction and it’s just us and conversation. Sometimes it’s about absolutely nothing important and other times we stockpile critical conversation to share during this time. Either way, we dedicate this time to each other and it is priority. We have never had to ask to cancel nor wanted to.  Sometimes we try new date night adventures. I doubt my love ever would have signed up to have reflexology all on his own and I never dreamed of going on an archery outing. But we have gone out on a limb to try these things for each other and loved our time together.

So for those who don’t have a designated date night/schedule, I would ask you this? What are you waiting for? Go for it and have fun! I promise!!

Ripple Effect

I’m sick. Again. And I don’t even know if it is fair to say “again” as it should probably use the word “still” instead. I still ache. I still have a cough. I still feel like someone filled my head and chest with sand and used the leftovers to throw in my eyes. And I’m still tired.

Yet, I fed the kids, got #1 to piano, ON TIME I should proudly add, then also to basketball practice. I replied to some pending emails, did the dishes and a load of laundry, put a puzzle together with #2 as we sang silly songs, and conversed with my guy before sending him to pick up #1. I folded laundry, wiped down the kitchen, packed lunches for the next day and checked backpacks. I completed bedtime routines and kissed them to sleep on their foreheads.  I sat on the bed, sighed, and wondered, “How the hell and I going to do this all again tomorrow?”

Us moms have elevated the definition and naturally the art of “multi-tasking” to death defying heights. We magically grow tentacles to comb a child’s hair while also maneuvering a necklace clasp and brush our teeth. We can cook dinner, answer a phone call and scan Pinterest for ideas for the school project that’s due tomorrow, simultaneously. Can I get an “Amen!”, my sisters?!!

So, why is it, that if we know we behold the God-given power to multi-task, a super power in its own right, that we don’t always use this super power for good? What is the fear of putting down whatever task is in front of us, just for one moment, one night, one weekend? We know we possess the ability to catch up. We’ve mastered turning the tool of multi-tasking into a game in our head. Oh, come on. I know I’m not the only one who will have a race against the clock to pick up the house and finish the grocery list with time to spare for the latest Netflix binge.

To circle back, my point is, even in our finest, most graceful or even not so graceful moments of “Momming”, where and when do we multi-task our self care? I manage to squeeze in the random Caribou drive-thru visit from time to time. Or late at night, I will catch a glimpse in the mirror and feverishly take five minutes to tweeze all the chin hairs that manage to grow overnight like I’m a friggin’ Chia Pet. But is it really self care?

Now, I admit, I get ridiculous jealous of the conversations I hear or posts on the Book of Faces that I see about women who take trips with a group of girlfriends, or a weekend getaway with their man. Hell, I’m jealous of the movie  with a sister. Or when I see a blog or know a friend who finished another great book, I’m shocked they don’t hear my jaw hit the floor when I embarrassingly wonder how?!?

Self care doesn’t have to be long or glamorous. It doesn’t have to be hours long to have a spa facial or a day long to complete a book. But it certainly can look like an early evening to bed to get much needed recovery rest with some Airborne, tissues and Vitamin C. Oh, did I slip that in there?

I bring this up, not because I’ve mastered self care. I’m so far from it that I need binoculars to see the writing on the wall. I. Stink. At. It. And the only way I will ever accomplish this goal for myself is to practice. Remember the Random Act of Kindness to myself promise? Yep! This is what I’m talking about.

And truly, I’m not trying to feed you a line of bullshit when I say, “this isn’t just about me”. It’s not fun to always feel tired, run down, sick. It’s not a thrill-seeking adventure when I’m dodging conversations with people because I’m not in the mood to talk to one more person. And I don’t always find joy in having the last word, just so I can try to end the argument with my family and get through the day without another fight or at least referreeeing one. I know you’re sitting there trying to call my bluff. I said “I don’t ALWAYS find joy” when it comes to having the last word. I didn’t say never.

Self care is an important tool to carry around in our tool box. And it’s not just a tool that is mommas should have. We all need to take moments to breathe...release...enjoy. I think we are just typically the last ones to pull the handy bugger out, when we reach for our tool box.

By loving ourselves, by caring for ourselves, we start this ripple effect. It is far stretching. And never ending. The kindness we show ourselves touches the lives of our loved ones. Those closest to us. They will feel the effects and there will be less stress even in them. This, the ripple continues on into their relationships and on and on. We send the love and care into the universe.

Okay, even I think that got a little fluffy at the end there. But I know you smell what I’m steppin’ in.

So take five minutes to read a few pages of the book you’ve been meaning to start, take an extra long shower, or (self preach here) go to bed early so you can get over the damn crud for once already!

Be kind. Rewind.

It is what I can call “the calm after the storm” for the week. We are all almost healthy, the work week is over, and I have had time to regroup and process what this blog means to me and the purpose it serves me and my heart.

I’m sure through the year I will have many opportunities to share more about me and how I found myself wanting to open up and put into writing my experiences, good and not-so-good, so that not only I could look back and see the process and progress of growth and acceptance of myself. To love me for ME. And I think to love me means that I have to look back as far as I can and my journey that got me to where I am today and what it is I have to learn and do to keep moving forward and doing it from a happier, healthier and optimistic place. But I hope that along the way I might be able to make someone else laugh, learn and love themself more too.

So here I am, being kind to myself and rewinding. Get it?

I will be the first to say that I am not unique or different for having days where my self esteem just really bites. And other days I feel like I just can’t get anything right. And on some days I wonder how I could possibly been born into the family I have. All of us have issues, at some point or another, with our appearance, our job, our family, debt, goals, you name it. But the older I get, the more I realize how much time I’ve lost worrying about all those things. I have spent too many nights letting my mind spin about things I couldn’t change. I lost a lot of precious time with my kids because I was obsessed with making memories too picture perfect. It was a dinner that would make Martha Stewart proud,  or a Pinterest-worthy birthday party that I was MIA in the details and not having the giggles with my littles.

This year isn’t going to be about a bunch of resolutions. It’s going to be about being kind to myself and doing the little things that add up to the big thing called being HAPPY.

You know the saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?” It’s true. It’s hard not pass on feelings of anger, sadness, resentment, guilt, discontentment. You get the picture. And you know what’s even worse? It’s the moment when your littles see a parent who is unhappy, or family members argue, and they feel like they have to make things better or worse yet, like they did something wrong to cause the strife. Uffda! Okay, my Midwest Scandinavian is showing through right there isn’t it?

That’s where a lot of my memories start. Being the little girl who always felt she had something she had to say “sorry” for. When 95% of the time I had never done anything wrong. That little girl grew up to be the woman who felt she had to prove something to everyone else to be liked, even loved. To keep everyone else happy. To make everything perfect for everyone else.

Perfection is overrated. There’s never been a body size that was perfect that didn’t have hard work or sacrifice. There’s never been a perfect moment that may have also occurred during a missed opportunity. There’s never been a perfect relationship. I will just stop right there. That relationship is a Unicorn!

So my goal this year is to not have unrealistic goals. And, when necessary, I will rewind and regroup. I will be kind to myself. And the more I will love myself, the better role model I will be to my kiddos. And quite possibly I will start this amazing ripple effect for future generations.

Life is messy. Brain farts happen. And sometimes we fall down. It’s all part of the ride we get to have on this crazy earth. But don’t ever let yourself get caught up in perfection. There’s no such thing as perfection. There’s only such thing as greatness. Make your life great!

Winning.

Sharing my mama secrets:

My hair has never been a thing that obeys. Kind of like ex-husbands, except you want hair to look good when you're done with it.

Over the course of my life it's been long, short, straight, curly, frizzy, falling out...ok that's just since I became a mom. So let's get real, ain't nobody got time to spend an hour on getting ready in the morning after I've hit the alarm clock snooze 3 times and have 15 minutes to get out the door. I started wearing my hair au natural. That's harder said that done, unless I want to go with the overused brillo pad sexy that happens when I do nothing with my self.

Enter this beaut.

Now, I have tried my fair share of hair thangs. I used to have a mound of hair, which has significantly thinned since this mom gig started. And, for a while there I lost hair by the handle (enter gluten sensitivity after 40 that I just figured out - bah). Despite my hair having taken a 180 for the second half of my life, I can achieve smexy in less than 5 minutes. (YES!) 

This sucker is awesome. It doesn't make my hair dry, brittle and nasty. It's super easy to use. It makes my crazy frizzy curly hair straighter than straight without the frizzy squiggles that are left with a flat iron straightener. It even works on my peeps' hairs, which are many, thick and wavy. 

Grab your own straight up.

Accountability

Today I've been thinking about accountability. Accountability to remember to do this blog every other day (good lord), accountability for my own decisions, and giving accountability back to others for their decisions. That last one is a tough one. Almost impossible. And you know what the hardest part is? Walking away when I've passed the monkey back to the a-hole that gave it to me in the first place. Why? Because I care.

At first I felt a little bad for this, as though maybe it's my fault for caring too much, caring about the wrong things, moving forward to achieve my goals. Uh - no. The problem here is that the other person does not care enough about the human race to be accountable, responsible, and vulnerable. Funny thing, I can't, you can't, own that one for anyone.

So, as I soared up and down the rails of the emotional roller coaster today, in the moment where you're thrilled, terrified, and furious that you subject yourself to this ride all at one time, I had an epiphany. Pretty lights, music, and an angel, with a hammer, saying WAIT! Just stop engaging. This isn't your burden to bear!

And just like that, I let it go. Let's be real, sometimes I have to physically pull myself out of the funk and scrub my brain (remember that movie, Men in Black? Yeah.)

So, Monday, I will walk in to that meeting clear headed with the person who wants control without accountability and grant what it is the other wishes. Why? Because sometimes the right thing can be achieved many ways. And, other times, you have to let others figure it out on their own. Unfortunately, when the latter happens, it's tough to save that person when what I know will be miserable, is miserable. Learning is hard sometimes. Leadership is a stinky business. Happiness happens when we realize our purpose and don't let anyone else drag us down. That's a tough one - people love to drag. But we get there...if we pass that damn monkey back and get it off of our shoulders.

Free the monkeys!

Well, I was extremely excited to write something witty, whimsical and, dare I say, inspirational today. I was feeling hopeful, after three out of four of us in our household had the flu, the littlest having it twice. I was ready to tell you that it was a great time to get 2019 started with my promise of doing one, “random act of kindness” for myself each day. Why? Because I had been the person who was doing the random acts of kindness for others and never feeling recharged. Don’t get me wrong. Doing good for others is extremely important. It’s what makes many of us hopeful to get out there each day and have faith in humanity. I know I’m not the only mama out there who goes to bed each night feeling like the tank is empty. We are tired, hungry, no sense of humor left and just emotionally drained.

Then the perfect trifecta of “shitstorm” blows my way. My guy gets the man flu, my home computer crashes with little hope of backup, and my ex-husband sends me a “I like to play with your head” child support payment of $0.82. Not even enough to cover the cost for our son to hang his coat at daycare for the day.

I have been preparing all day to leave work and honestly throw myself a good old fashioned toddler-style tantrum. You all know what I’m talking about. The one where you throw your entire bodyweight into it and collapse on the floor, crawl half way across the floor while on your back and, for a bit of flare, do a few pinwheel spins while still on your back and top it off with waterworks?

I really, really, really, really wanted to do that. Really, really. Why not? I deserved to have the pity me moment. I got out of bed, not feeling 100% from the crud the took over our home. I went to work amidst day two of a new software program roll-out that was showing its flaws. I parented. I even sent out thoughtful texts to friends and family I hadn’t messaged in a few days. I showed up. I got stuff done.

Then I revisited the Plan A I had for the day. “Do one random act of kindness for yourself.” There it was. My response. My action. My act. And I allowed myself to breathe.

I told myself that in this moment, the only thing I should do was nothing at all. I could sit quiet and deny feeding the monster that feasts on anger and resentment. No more fuel fore his fiery belly.

My guy is still sick. But he’s quarantined to the basement. Far, far from the rest of us. Okay, two full flights down. My computer is still out of commission. Okay, this one I’m still quite anxious about. Fingers crossed that our IT Fix-it Dude can fix it at least one last time for me to throw all my storage onto a cloud or at least an external hard drive. And as for my ex? Well, as long as I have breath, my son will always have what he needs and I will let karma take its course. Karma, I have a feeling, can sometimes come across as a hangry, PMS-ing woman who wears steel-toed boots and loves to kick things. Hard.

Blog shmlog. That's usually how this works for me. I have this great intention to share all of my ideas with the universe...and then I don't feel like sharing all of my ideas with the universe. So this, this is blogging with accountability - not quite as much as a cell phone contract, that's two years, or marriage, but a whole year of sharing my thoughts unfiltered, just for you, every other day. 

Here's my hope: I'm a fierce, loyal, intelligent woman who takes a lot of shit from people and who also needs to um, perfect the craft of responding to stupidity. Now, I believe we each learn at our own pace, have strengths and weaknesses. That's not the kind of stupid I'm talking about. I'm referring to blatant asshole stupid. Thought it through and still decided to be a jerk stupid. Don't know what I don't know and still think I'm an expert stupid. No self confidence so I'll cut everyone else down and treat them like shit stupid. That, I'm sick of. Fielding and owning others' stupid ends in 2019. That's my resolution. I want to be free from carrying the load for others. Whew. That may be worse than going to the gym three times a week. 

My little human had a hell of an end to 2018, so I'm hoping 2019 brings her freed energy and renewed joy. 

My people at work, they need the love. Ever worked somewhere in which one person has been allowed to be an asshole for years and now, now, that person is leading the way for a group of people you are trying to support? Yeah. That's a bad thing. This one is somewhat related to responding to stupidity. How to harness the leader - not at all like follow the leader, equally not controlling the leader. Wish me luck. It's going to be a long 6 months on that way. 

Last, there are so many things that bring joy in to my life. I want to share those with you as well...the sparkles and giggles, breakthroughs and simple things. The beauty in all of this is that you'll hear from my best friend as well. The we are so very different, we are also so very much alike in this adulting adventure. 

Thanks for joining us on the journey! 

Well, the new year is officially here. For some it’s a fresh start. A clean slate. For others, it’s just another trip around the sun.

I could mislead you and say I’ve never needed to set goals because every day is perfect. Just like the perfect lives we see on some Facebook pages. But are they really that perfect? Or fun? Or stylish? Was the family vacation they took complete without incident?

I’m Kat. I’m one half of Fab Mamas. My BFF and I decided to finally get this blog started and follow through. To be completely honest, since that is what this blog is for, I really, really stink at seeing things through. Kel has a much better record at finishing what she starts than I do. So we will see how well I do with this challenge before she has to remind me what it is we are trying to accomplish here.

It’s 8:57pm as I write this and I had almost let the entire day go before finding yet another excuse to not get this ball rolling. I’m sure that’s why Kel put me in charge of the first entry. No excuses.

I had a pretty darn good excuse too. Just as the ball was dropping in Times Square last night, I was dropping the contents of my stomach into the lovely toilet. I caught the flu. A nasty flu at that. I’m still ailing. Too much? I hope it’s not. Because this blog is supposed to be a safe place for us to blog and for you to relate.

There is no such thing as perfection. There is such thing as greatness. And we hope this becomes a great blog for you.

Kel and I have a purpose and challenge in writing this together. First and foremost to put fingers to keyboard and give you all a bit of a laugh but more importantly a glimpse into the trials and tribulations of “real mom” life. Sure, there are plenty fun and quirky blogs out there. And even some comedic dips that go viral. Hopefully we have come up with a bit of a twist to make it just different enough to keep you coming back.

Kel and I are not going to look at each other’s entries for an entire year. Why? Because we agree that there is just too much comparing ourselves to not only each other but to other Moms out there. We see a better hair color or figure. Her children are so much better behaved. How does she balance her perfect job and her family and still have time to hit the gym?

So we are starting this challenge to see what comes from getting our thoughts out there and maybe have a bit of fun at the same time.

This entry may not be eloquent or very humorous. But keep in mind, I’m clenching my cheeks, yes both sets, to finish this entry and my promise to Kel and all of you.

2019 is here. Together we’ve got this.

Now, back to my diet. Did I say diet? Just kidding. I’m off to the bathroom to probably drop a few more pounds.

Damn flu. Fire in the hole!!!

Kat